my stab at The Onion
Shall we call it The Scallion?
Dollar-Store in Suffolk County Forced Closure Due To False-Advertisement
Steve’s Dollar Store on Rt. 101 was forced to shut down by the Town of Huntington early Tuesday morning. The owner is said to have been charging an upwards of $1.70 on items, even though the store’s name exclusively says “Dollar.”
“It’s the dollar-store, not the dollar-fifty store,” scoffs Suffolk County Police Officer Ted Bowdin. “The owner is a liar, and lying is a crime. The store had to go.” Bowdin was buying a Miller-light before his night shift out on the Northern State, when Goodwin rang him up for $1.69.
“I arrested him on the spot,” smirked Bowdin.
Steve Goodwin, 49, who was the store’s owner, is recently divorced and also a father of three. His wife left him because he allegedly told her how much condoms suck when having sex. Now, currently unemployed, he has to continue to put his kids through school.
“They call themselves ‘hipsters,’ and all want to move to Williamsburg, Brooklyn when they graduate. So I told them I’d pay for their liberal-arts educations so they could major in graphic design, anarchy, and interpretive dance. ” His children were enrolled in top private colleges: Sarah Lawrence, Bard, and Vassar College. Since he lost the store, they’re all transferring to Binghamton in the fall, to most likely major in Business.
“It’s devastating,” says Goodwin.
The closure of the dollar-store has also affected many residents in Suffolk County, who relied on Goodwin’s products in their day-to-day lives.
“I used to haphazardly use bobby pins, never keeping track of where I left them,” says Nancy Boodshine of Centerport. “Now, I actually have to try not to lose them, or else I’ll have to go to CVS and buy their 100-bobby pin set for $2.99. In today’s economy, I can’t afford that.” Tween Susie Edwards is already panicking about her Halloween costume now that the dollar-store has shut down. She claims to have “no inspiration,” now that she can’t walk down the aisles of Goodwin’s shop to look at the different wigs, masks, and hair dye. And Tyler Katz of Northport reports that he’s “at a loss” without having Mylar Ballons, 7-Up, glue sticks, soap, cheetos, and table-cloths right down the street from him. “I’ll have to go to Walmart,” says Katz. “Atleast, unlike Steve’s, they’re not corrupt.”
“I admit my faults,” grumbled Goodwin, who is now more anxious about his financial situation than he was before his store closed. “Money was tight, so I raised some of the prices in my store. I should have just murdered one of my kids and not told anyone for 31 days to cut back on the cost of living. I probably could have gotten away with that.”