The guy that came up with the line there are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s Mastercard….

Is he really rich right now? 

And isn’t it weird that words like “google” and “facebook” and “tweet” are verbs? Apparently they are (or are going to soon be?) in Webster’s.  That’s insane.  Are they in the Scrabble dictionary too? I can totally beat my Grandma now.

Speaking of words, only in the English language can the word “up” and “down” mean the same thing. Example?

Hey, want to grab a drink?

Sure, I’m down.     OR.     Yeah, I’m up for it. 

And…and..and! While the rest of the cool world is out drinking Bud Light and talking to weird girls and being all fancy, fresh and young, I am writing a fake letter to the Long Island Rail Road.

Because writing is my hobby.  It  is what I like to do.

Sue me.

Or read it!

, 

Dear LIRR,

First off, I want to say thank you for existing.  If you didn’t exist, I would have to drive into the city, and that would suck.  However, we do have some things to discuss.  I will preface this letter by stating my appreciation for you understanding  that I am 100% right about everything I’m about to say, and you will change your policies accordingly to fit my needs. So again, Long Island Rail Road– thank you.

First off: the AC.  What the hell? Yes it is summertime, and it is hot outside, but you do not need to remedy this by making the train feel like a tundra.   I am not an overweight businessman that gets to wear a full suit to work (aka stay protected while you blast ice crystals through the vents), so please try your best to accomodate all parties.  Why don’t you shoot for “comfortably cool” instead of “intolerably icy?” 

Also, you really should consider adding a coffee car in the train. Why? Well, I really like coffee in the mornings, and sometimes–I’m human.  I’m running late, and don’t have time a brew a good ol’ cup of joe.  If ferries can sell alcohol (side note: promotion of drinking and driving, anyone?), then trains with sleepy commuters can sell coffee. 

This next thing isn’t really a request, but rather a question. Is there a method to your incessant ticket-holepunching?  Are you really punching a certain place on the ticket, or is it random? And why sometimes one punch, and other times two?  If I tried to patch my ticket back up, would you notice? And, do you really look at those monthly tickets people wear around their necks? Could I duplicate one? Would I get arrested? I’m young and cute.  You wouldn’t arrest me, would you? 

Where are all the bathrooms?

And why do you keep raising ticket prices? In fact, how much do you get paid? Do you have to do anything besides walk up and down the train and go on a hole-punching rampage?

Do you guys throw good parties?

 And lastly, I want curtains.  Yes, curtains.  There are a couple advertisments that I see everyday on my commute that are obviously placed specifically for LIRR commuters.  And I don’t really like them.  The first one just bothers me; it’s placed on a really crappy, run down apartment building.  It reads: “ if you rented here, you’d already be at work!” Hello? Your building looks like a piece of shit, I would never want to rent from you. And also, I don’t want to be at work right now.  If I did, I’d get on an earlier train. The other advertisment is from  Lamentations 1:12:  is it nothing to you, all you who pass by? (I “googled” this).  Could you be a little more specific? What is “it”? I do poorly when things are taken out of context.  Also, I  feel like I’m being yelled at.  Is “it” nothing to me?  Of course not! “It” is everything.  Please don’t get angry at me on the train.  I just need some coffee. And I’m freezing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Besides these things, and like I said earlier, I really do appreciate all you do.  Thank you LIRR, for getting me to Manhattan when I need you to.  You’re rarely late, your seats are comfy, and sometimes you come in fancy double-decker sizes.  NJ Transit got nothin’ on us!