When I write on here, my stress and fears are usually in the context of a shitty long run or a perpetual Sunday morning hangover. And even though I’ve never been that keen on resolutions, I have been thinking about being more honest and open. I am pretty outgoing, but I am a total introvert. I’m private. I’m stubborn and independent to the point that it sometimes doesn’t work in my favor.
I’ve been thinking for a while about being constantly described as super easy-going, gowiththeflow, and chill. Whenever I hear these adjectives that describe me, I can’t help but be a bit confused. Quite honestly, I often feel the exact opposite. I stress out a lot. I worry. I pull apart sentences and over-analyze. I try incredibly hard to be positive and optimistic, but I’m not sure if I’m naturally an optimistic person. Instead, I make a conscious effort to try to see things differently, to slow down, to breathe. It isn’t always easy.
And even though I may seem super easy-going, a ton of things scare me. Being in new social situations, taking on new projects at work, booking vacations by myself, being the single person in a crowd of happy, loving couples, training for a marathon, writing personal blog posts (oh heeey)…. these things scare me.
And yet, what I’ve also learned is that fear drives me. In some weird way, I’m not scared of it. I’ve rarely done something that has been totally out of my comfort zone and have been hurt by it. In fact, every scary situation I put myself in has only led to more personal growth, and usually an incredible experience.
And that’s why I keep fighting fear. Someone heard about my solo trip to Costa Rica next month and told me I was “very brave.” And I really wanted to respond saying, “Actually, no. I’m scared shitless.” And I am. I’m really scared to travel alone. What if I get lost? What if I can’t find any cheap places to stay and sleep on the side of the road? What if…I don’t have fun? And yet, there is another (wiser) part of me that knows this won’t the case, and that I’ll figure it out. That I’ll be fine. And that it’ll be an amazing trip.
To be a bit cliché, I’ve simply realized that hey, I too am afraid. And get stressed. And have many days when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. But that doesn’t mean these negative emotions have to lead to more negativity. I’ll take it and be aware of it, and then fight it. Have it drive me further.
Because what scares me more than my own fear…. is not doing anything about it.